Build the base: Fill a large stock pot with about 6 quarts of water. Add 4 tbsp Old Bay, 2 halved lemons (squeeze them in then drop them), 1 halved head of garlic, 1 quartered onion, and 4 bay leaves. Bring to a rolling boil over high heat.
Boil the potatoes: Add the potatoes and boil for about 15 minutes, until just fork-tender.
Add the corn and sausage: Drop in the corn and sausage. Keep at a rolling boil for about 6 minutes.
Add the crab: Add the crab clusters and let everything cook together for about 5 minutes. The crab is already cooked — you’re just heating it through and infusing flavor.
Add the shrimp: Drop in the shrimp and cook for 2 to 3 minutes, just until pink and curled. Do not overcook — shrimp gets rubbery fast.
Reserve and drain: Before draining, scoop out about 8 tbsp of the boil water from the pot and set aside for the sauce. Drain else into a colander.
Bloom the garlic: In a separate large saucepan over medium-low heat, melt the butter. Add the minced fresh garlic and cook gently, stirring, until fragrant and just barely golden. Don’t brown it — you want the garlic sweet, not bitter.
Build the sauce: Lower heat. Whisk in the Old Bay, garlic powder, onion powder, smoked paprika, cayenne, lemon pepper, salt, brown sugar, and chicken bouillon powder. Let the seasonings toast in the butter for about 2 minutes — this is what makes it taste like the restaurant version, not boiled butter.
Finish with acid: Stir in the vinegar and lemon juice. Slowly whisk in the reserved boil water until the sauce loosens to a pourable but still coats-a-spoon consistency. Taste — it should be aggressively salty and seasoned on its own. The seafood has zero seasoning, so this sauce is doing all the work.
Set up the bags: Open up your 4 bags and prop them in deep bowls or a sheet pan so they stand upright (this makes filling way easier). Divide the drained seafood and sides between the 4 bags — a little of everything in each bag: potatoes, corn, sausage, crab, shrimp.
Sauce the bags: Pour a generous amount of hot sauce directly into each bag — enough to coat everything and pool at the bottom. Don’t be shy. Reserve about a cup of sauce on the side for dipping.
Seal and toss: Seal the bags tightly (push out as much air as possible) and gently flip and shake them so the sauce coats every piece. Let them sit sealed for 5 to 10 minutes so the flavor seeps into the shells and joints — this is the whole point of the bag method.
Dump and serve: Pour each bag out onto a paper-lined table or large platter. Sprinkle with parsley and serve with extra lemon, the reserved dipping sauce, and a stack of paper towels.